Who's Battler's Favorite Furniture?
by Chang-Tong
Summary: When the Seven Sisters of Purgatory had gotten into an argument with each other, they went to Battler to ask who out of all of them is his favorite furniture. Being unable to decide, Battler has a brilliant idea of how to pick. What is he planning?


**Just a random oneshot that I wanted to write about regarding the Seven Sisters of Purgatory. Because I find them more fun and interesting than the Siesta Sisters… no offense to those who thought otherwise. ;D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Umineko or the characters in it. This is written mainly for fun, and not for profit in any way.**

**Hope all you readers have fun reading this, at the very least!**

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It's normal for siblings to have some kind of rivalry with each other.

"Battleeeeeer~! Can you pleeeeease tell these mean sisters of mine that they're boring compared to meeeee~?" The wailing voice of Leviathan, the stake of envy, can be heard over the loud ruckus currently present in the room where Ushiromiya Battler and the Golden Witch Beatrice often reside in when they were battling each other to deny and prove the existence of witches respectively.

The green-haired girl had tears at the corner of her red eyes as she was holding onto the leg of one bewildered Battler as a child would to a doll whenever upset.

Normally, when someone is in the presence of a sibling, it is often natural for that particular someone to be compared with that sibling of theirs by others.

"Battler-sama~! I'm the cutest out of all my sisters, right? Right? The youngest are always known to be the cutest, right? And also, and also… I know how to make a boy really happy. Riiight~? Battler-samaaa~! Kyahahaha~!" Asmodeus, the stake of lust, and the youngest out of all the seven stakes of Purgatory, laughed in a sickly sweet voice.

Perhaps it was the natural desire to show everyone around them that they can be superior compared to their sibling whenever people thought about it. To show why you're better than your sibling, whether it be by skills, brains, talent, or even looks. Perhaps it is to make themselves feel more confident in themselves. Or perhaps it may even be just for bragging rights. It all depends.

"You little brat! Don't start sucking up to Battler just so he could pick you over the rest of us!" Satan, the stake of wrath, shouted angrily as she smacked her youngest sister upside the head as the argument continued between all the seven sisters.

It might be difficult enough to prove one's superiority over just one sibling. However, when you have six other siblings to compare and share the spotlight with… well…

"Now, now, everyone. Why are you all acting so stupid? Who knows how Battler is seeing you all right about now," Belphegor, the stake of sloth, chided in what may or not be a derisive tone of voice as she placed a hand on her hip.

…When you have six other siblings that are as good-looking and are as skilled as you... it's just an argument waiting to happen.

"Like you're the one to talk, Belphe-nee!" Mammon, the stake of greed, laughed haughtily. "You're the one who messed up that one time: when you had lost to a _human! _You're as incompetent as Luci-nee!"

The aforementioned dark-haired girl's face flushed angrily at that, despite her attempts at trying to keep her calm posture throughout the entire argument.

"D-Don't you even dare go there with me, Mammon!" Lucifer, the stake of pride, and the oldest out of all the seven sisters, growled threateningly as she clenched her fists.

"_I_ am incompetent, you say? Your own arrogance would be the end of you if you and I were to have a duel, as my power would feed off of it. I kindly suggest you keep that in mind, before you run your mouth, my dear _younger _sister!" she spat.

In fact, Battler had found it somewhat amazing that, from the first moment that he have met these seven ass nee-chans in person, that they all had managed to keep their peace with each other in front of him during his time here in the Meta-World.

…Then again… they _all _seemed to share the same pleasure of making him their personal toy to break repeatedly for fun. He had already lost count at how many times Beato had to casually revive him from one of his 'friendly play-sessions' with the Seven Sisters of Purgatory…

"Kyahahaha! Ooh, someone's mad now~!" Beelzebub, the stake of gluttony, cackled gleefully as she clapped her hands together. "Hmm… I wonder how arrogance tastes like? Do they all come in different flavors depending on the person, or are they all the same? Ahh, a mysterious taste that I would never get to try~! Mu… too bad, too bad."

Lucifer gave Beelzebub a dry look before coughing once into a fist, regaining her composure once more.

"Battler," the dark-haired girl said in a serious voice. "Pardon my younger sisters' _childish _behavior…"

She narrowed her eyes at the green-haired girl clinging onto one of Battler's leg as she said that. Catching the hint, Leviathan immediately scrambled back up to both her feet before standing straight next to the red-haired male seated in his usual chair of that particular room. By now, since the young Ushiromiya had taken up residence in that particular chair most of the times he's fighting with Beatrice in their game together. Though they have never said it aloud, they had referred to that armchair as 'Battler's chair' in their minds, just as they had called the chair opposite of it as 'Beatrice-sama's chair'.

Keeping a straight face, Lucifer continued, "…but if you don't mind us asking, we are curious which one of us had become your favorite furniture thus far during your time in this world."

Battler raised one eyebrow slowly at that, one of his hands holding onto a half-eaten piece of cookie as he stared at all seven sisters with his blue eyes.

It isn't unusual that he had sometimes interacted with the Seven Sisters of Purgatory during one of his breaks from his game with Beato. Just like a regular game of chess, even the players would also need a break from their long, serious game together. If it's not to think about the current situation on the game board, it's to think about their next move, or to just let their minds relax for just a while to prevent from becoming too stressed from having to think too much.

Beato had left the room somewhere... probably having a small walk around or something, and Ronove is most probably making more tea and snacks for them.

Battler was just in the middle of casually eating the last piece of cookie when Leviathan had nearly scared the hell out of him by suddenly appearing out of thin air in a burst of glittering gold butterflies: crying and wailing at the top of her lungs about how her sisters were being too cruel to her or something like that (Battler couldn't honestly tell, since the green-haired girl's words were all jumbled together and spoken too quickly for him to understand).

He was just trying to gently pry the girl of envy from his leg when the other six sisters appeared as well, one after another: all the while having a rather loud and angry (and somewhat physical) debate amongst each other.

Next thing Battler knew, he had been forced to separate seven different dialogues in order to try and get what each one was saying (if one of the sisters had found out that he hadn't been listening to her, no matter how small it may be, he would be treated to a nice, sharp stake to the chest, torso, shoulder or whatever place she would be aiming at) as they all either argued, complained, mocked each other, or listed off why they're better than the other sisters. Truth be told, he's feeling a bit dizzy at having to listen to all of them at once. So he was a bit grateful for Lucifer finally managing to calm all of her sisters down.

Even though they're asking him if he had a favorite out of all of them, Battler believed that those seven didn't care about who_ he_ may like the most. No, rather… he believed that they were only asking him that because, in their minds, they probably thought that if he had chosen one of them, then that would mean that that person must have been more skilled and superior to have gotten his vote.

Though, honestly, he had _no _idea why they're asking him, of _all _people here. They could have asked Beato, or maybe even Ronove. Perhaps it's because that his opinion would be completely neutral, since they've all screwed a member of his family at one point or another.

Under normal circumstances, he would have hated each and every single one of them with every fibre of his being, but that's where Beato came along. Compared to both Beato's and Eva-Beatrice's brutal, bloody and violent forms of murders, the Seven Sisters' kills were quick and (somewhat) less painful than those two witches.

Besides, he had to admit that he couldn't deny the fact that they're all delicious eye-candies, with their shapely bottoms, and their well-endowed breasts. Seven Sisters of Purgatory his ass: he likes to call them 'The Seven Busty Ass Nee-chans of Heavenly Bodies' in his mind.

'_Ahhh, it should be a crime for someone evil to look this damn good…' _Battler thought off-handedly, but quickly turned away from those kind of thoughts. He doesn't want to be pierced all over before he could even answer their question just yet.

"Whom out of all of you nee-chans is my favorite?" Battler asked, grinning. "Ihihi! That's a tough question, Lovely-chan."

"Lucifer, not 'Lovely-chan'," the dark-haired woman of pride corrected automatically, refraining from rolling the same red eyes that she shared with all of her sisters.

Battler was always like that: calling her and her sisters by his 'nicknames' for them because he 'couldn't remember their long, fancy boring ass names'. Though Lucifer _knew_ that he just enjoyed annoying them all: probably as a meagre way of revenge against them all for killing a member of his family in the previous games.

While Lucifer was 'Lovely-chan'... Leviathan was 'Leggy'an-chan', Satan was 'Sultry-chan', Belphegor was 'Bootygor-chan', Mammon was 'Melon-chan', Beelzebub was 'Boobybulb-chan', and Asmodeus was 'Amorous-chan'.

...Needless to say, the very first time that Battler had bestowed upon them all those atrocious nicknames (even though Asmodeus had liked her own given name, she had joined in just so not to be left out) was also the very first time all seven of them had promptly turned into their stake forms and impaled him simultaneously with Beato cackling maliciously in the background... right before using her Endless Magic to bring Battler back to life.

That was during their first meeting, and shortly before all the seven sisters had declared Ushiromiya Battler as their own toy whenever Beato wasn't around.

"Right, right, my bad," Battler chuckled as he waved a hand lightly. He then looked contemplative as he considered their question. "Hm… you want to know which one of you is the best? Well, I can't really just pick one of you, right? That probably won't be fair. But…" he tapped a finger to his chin thoughtfully before snapping his fingers.

"Yeah, I know. I just got an idea," Battler said as he pointed a finger at the seven sisters, grinning. "I'm gonna give a 'special test' for all of you! The sister that gets the highest score on my special test, would be the best stake in my own opinion!"

All seven sisters looked intrigued at that. Finally, a chance for them to flaunt their skills and show exactly why they're the best out of all the seven sisters!

"Hm, a test, you say?" Belphegor murmured, tilting her head slightly to the side. "But what kind of test would that be, Battler?"

"That's what I'm deciding right now," Battler said, resting his cheek on his palm. The fingers on his other hand tapped against the arm of the chair he was sitting on. "Just give me a sec…"

"Would it be a race to see which one of us could get to the target first?" Mammon guessed. Leviathan looked panicked at that.

"Nooo~!" the green-haired girl wailed. "I _hate _that idea! You guys are too fast!"

"You're just too slow, Levi-nee," Beelzebub laughed derisively. "The only way for you to win in that kind of contest is when we're all just going easy on you, and we all _don't_ really like doing that, riiight?"

"That's right, Beelze-nee!" Asmodeus agreed heartily.

"And that's why a cooking contest is better, right?" Beelzebub asked in what was supposed to be an innocent tone of voice, though that did not do any good, as the other sisters immediately caught onto her trick.

"That's _not _right, Beelze-nee!" Asmodeus protested this time, stomping her foot to the ground. "We all know you like to cook as much as Ronove-sama!"

"That would give you a strong advantage over the rest of us," Belphegor pointed out, her eyes narrowed on the blonde, curly-styled girl. "Don't even _think _of trying to trick us."

"Then perhaps… a duel?" Satan suggested after giving the girl of gluttony a heated glare. Battler, however, shook his head at Satan's idea.

"Nah, I'm sure you guys have done enough of that," he grumbled. He then immediately perked up after seemingly getting an idea. "Alright, you girls! Change out of those uniforms!"

Lucifer looked both confused and hesitant at that. "I… beg your pardon?"

"One of the things that makes it hard to differentiate between you all sometimes is because of the fact that you dress all the same," Battler spoke as a matter of factly. "You all heard me. Get out of your uniforms, and show me your own style. The one that dresses the best would be the winner."

"We decline," Lucifer quickly stated, closing her eyes and letting out a quiet sigh. Battler raised an eyebrow at that.

"Ihihi. Oh? What's this? You're not going to tell me that cold-blooded killers like you girls are too shy of wearing other outfits, are you?"

Lucifer's face flushed a little at that: whether it was out of embarrassment or anger at being talked to like that, Battler couldn't tell as both seemed quite likely.

"We cannot," Lucifer told him, coughing once. "These are the uniforms that we must wear when we're serving under a respected and talented master such as the great Beatrice-sama. Taking these uniforms off would be considered to be a disgraceful act that lowly furniture such as ourselves could perform when still serving under a master."

Her eyes then darted to the side awkwardly. "Not only that, but we do not have any other kind of attire in our possession. As I had said, we are furniture: we do not need other kind of clothes than what we were already given."

Battler crossed his arms behind his head, his eyebrows raised high. "Eh? And you're all alright with that?"

"Having only one set of clothes given to us is more than generous enough, Battler," Lucifer said. Her eyelids then drooped as she gave the red-head a bland stare. "Afterall, most of the lowest-ranked furnitures performed all of their duties naked, as is custom in the world of witches and demons. With that in mind, we are more grateful enough that we're at least clothed as of this moment."

Battler shuddered at that, remembering that humiliating moment where Beatrice had made him walk around in the Golden Land butt naked back in their second game, where he had shamefully surrendered to be her own furniture: even though it had been only for a while.

"Yeah, I get it," he said, deciding not to voice out about how the seven sisters would look _much _better being completely naked to him. But... after being reminded of how his pride had been horrible crumpled up like a wad of paper when _he _was forced naked, he quickly got rid of that thought from his mind.

He started to think of other ideas that he could use in order to pick which sister would be the best to him. After a few moments of thought, he finally got it.

Battler snapped his head up to look at them: his eyes almost sparkling with eagerness of what was to come. "ALRIGHT! I got it!"

He sat up straighter in his seat, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"What? What? What is it? What is it?" Asmodeus asked excitedly, clapping her hands together.

"Tell us, tell us already! I can't stand the suspense!" Leviathan urged.

"If there is one way to decide which is the best woman, then the answer is quite simple!" Battler declared. He shot his arm out as he pointed his finger towards the seven sisters once again. "With me as the judge, the seven of you will be in a BEST BREAST CONTEST!"

Right after that enthusiastic declaration, the Seven Sisters of Purgatory were stunned silent: with some of them gaping slightly at the teenaged male, or turning a bit red in the face.

"Ah, that's right! You heard me right!" Battler spoke loudly as he stood up from his seat, and pointing a thumb to his chest.

"Ladies, you can see me as one of the best breast connoisseurs around! And for this contest, I'll give points to all of you depending on how good your breasts are in ten different categories: size, shape, color, gloss, firmness, texture, sensitivity, taste, smell and how good their abilities to hold things are!"

As Battler listed them all off, his face had turned into an over-excited and decidedly dopey expression. Had Kyrie been there as of that moment, she might have told him of how he resembled his father, Rudolf, as of that very moment when the man had seen a very attractive woman that he had liked.

As the seven sisters remained shocked silent, Battler then started to stretch his fingers apart, and closing and re-opening his hands in preparation for what would have been a wonderful experience for him. Getting to cope and judge the rather large and probably perfect breasts of seven different girls? Ahh, what good had he done to be blessed with this wonderful opportunity?

He grinned at them carnivously, and in a perverted tone of voice, asked, "So shall we start~? I don't mind whichever one of you decides to come forth first. You don't have to take your entire uniforms off, if that's what you're worried about. Just unbuttoning open your shirts is more than enough…"

After exchanging similar disgusted, enraged and embarrassed expressions with each other… all seven sisters of Purgatory promptly transformed into their stake forms in a burst of gold glitters. And with the sound that resembled pots and kettles being clanged together, they all attacked at once.

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Several minutes later, a large group of golden butterflies gathered together in an empty spot in the game-room of the Meta World. Together, those golden butterflies formed a female humanoid figure, before they all disappeared in a burst of gold. In their wake, a blonde woman in an elegant dress was left behind: looking like a child who knew the answer to a rather difficult question that would reward them with a box of toys and a jar of cookies if answered correctly.

"Battleeeer~! Are you still here?" Beato, also known as the Endless Witch, and the Golden Witch Beatrice, called out exuberently. She laughed. "Just wait and see the next move that I have planned while away! I guarantee you, it will stump you-Battler?"

Blue eyes blinked dubiously as Beato gazed around the seemingly empty room. As she took a few steps forward, the heels of her shoes being the only sound heard in the currently quiet room, she just happened to glance down.

In front of the chair that Battler often occupied during their games together… a bloody lump of flesh lay. Without even staring at the destroyed clothes that were with it, Beato already had a very good idea of who it could be, and who were the ones responsible for this.

The witch suddenly cackled with amusement. "My, what is this, Battler? Why do you always have the bad habit of getting killed whenever I am not around?"

As Beato summoned her golden pipe in one hand, she started to use her Endless Magic in order to restore broken bones, mend torn flesh, and basically, revive Battler back to life completely once again.

Whenever her furnitures, the Seven Sisters of Purgatory, had broken their 'toy', they had always immediately went to her so that their broken 'toy' would be fixed to be played with once again. The times they had not done so would be when Battler had irritated them in some way, and they were too angry to care less whether he had been revived or not.

With that in mind, and as Battler was being brought back to life once again… Beato was quite interested to know what Battler had said _this time _to have agitated her furnitures.

**FIN**

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**Perverted Battler = Hilarity**

**XD**

**Reviews would make me feel that writing this short fic, though fun for me, is also worthwhile. :D So please leave one if you had read this.**


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